


Muddled

by Seanbiggerstaffrox



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Dark, Gen, Not Slash, Stiles has dark thoughts, slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-12
Updated: 2013-01-12
Packaged: 2017-11-25 04:39:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/635206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seanbiggerstaffrox/pseuds/Seanbiggerstaffrox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes Stiles lays awake at night and regrets saving Derek.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Muddled

**Author's Note:**

> This is pretty dark and it's my first work on AO3. I'd hoped to start off with something lighter but I had Teen Wolf feels. Takes place post Season 2 (or towards the end if you like.)

Sometimes, late at night, when he’s hidden in darkness and he can’t sleep and his thoughts start to stray, sometimes Stiles regrets saving Derek. He shouldn’t, it’s a dark thought and he’d never voice it out loud, but it comes anyway, lingering in his mind as he thinks – what if he hadn’t jumped in the pool after him? What if, when Stiles grabbed his cell phone and tried calling for help, he’d lingered a little too long and hadn’t gotten back to Derek in time? What if, after the first hour, when he’d gotten tired and a little dizzy and his body was beyond cramped and he was still in pain because his muscles hadn’t been nice enough to go numb yet and the human body – because he was human, very human – wasn’t made to hold up 200 pounds of dead weight in 8 feet of water, what if he’d just let Derek go?

And he’s not terribly worried about these thoughts, because they seem almost natural and maybe he should be concerned about that, but he’s not. No, what worries Stiles is that he’s not really sure how he feels about it. He knows it was right to save Derek, doesn’t even feel proud of himself for it because – well, he’s not actually sure.  


Maybe it’s the lack of validation. Not that Stiles really needs it, but without any pats on the back or ‘Thank you’s’ or ‘You’re a hero Stiles,’ it seems more like an event that happened than something to be proud of. If no one else is going to make a thing out of it, why should he?

Though Derek has stopped threatening him. And sometimes, very rarely, when Derek is actually around, Stiles thinks he sees something in his eyes. Which is unnerving, because usually he feels like Derek is looking through him – which he’s okay with, because Derek’s kind of terrifying – but occasionally, when Derek’s eyes focus on Stiles, he thinks he sees something. He’s not sure what it is, honestly, but it’s there and it sticks in his head and it makes him think of the pool and how Derek could have died. And he realizes that he’s not sure how he feels about that. 

Would he be upset if Derek died?

The thought of Derek being dead doesn’t upset him, not in the way the thought of his dad or Scott or Mrs. McCall or even Lydia being dead upsets him. The latter thoughts bring about an instinctual ache in his body and he rejects them almost immediately. The first thought, though…

He thinks it might be because Derek doesn’t really seem alive to him. And he doesn’t mean that metaphorically or poetically, because Derek just doesn’t seem real.  


He’s not an actual person, Stiles thinks, not really. 

And it’s when thoughts like these enter his mind that Stiles finds himself turning on his lamp and pulling Derek’s file out from under his mattress. The manila folder’s wrinkled now, breaking down from frequent use. The papers, as well, are in much the same state and he’s sure the file would be better preserved in his desk, but these night time musings have become such a habit for him at this point that he can’t be bothered to store the papers anywhere else. 

He stares contemplatively at the records of Derek’s life. Birth, school history, family’s death, his move to New York and his move back. It’s all there, reminding Stiles that Derek’s real. And then there’s Derek’s distorted mugshot. 

Stiles smoothes out the crinkled edges and stares at the picture. It seems oddly accurate, when he thinks about it, this vague mess of lights and shapes and spiky hair. It’s more accurate than the bulking, humanoid figure he sees from time to time. The Derek that’s solid and human (ish) doesn’t seem like Derek, doesn’t really describe the person he held for two hours in 8 feet of water.

Stiles doesn’t think Derek will ever seem like a real person to him.

He asks Scott about it sometimes, as subtly as he can. He asks if Scott trusts him or what he thinks of Derek or why he won’t join his pack. Not because he needs the answers to those questions specifically, but because Derek seems to be slowly overtaking Stiles’ life and Stiles isn’t even sure if he’s real yet. 

_“Derek’s just…Derek.” Scott says, shrugging_.  
 _“What does that even mean?” Stiles asks_.  
 _“I don’t know.” Scott’s nose wrinkles as he says it, his eyebrows furrowing as he thinks_.  
 _“Me neither.” Stiles sighs, looking away from his friend and getting lost in his own thoughts_.  


He doesn’t _like_ Derek. Not in general and certainly not in a romantic context. At least, he doesn’t think he does, because when he thinks of saving Lydia from Peter – not that he really saved her, but it’s the closest he came – he feels something. He remembers the distress of the moment and the relief afterwards. He feels happy now, knowing she’s alive and as safe as she can be all things considered. It’s nice.

When he thinks of saving Derek, he can’t help but think that they might have been better off without him. 

He thinks, sometimes, that Derek shouldn’t really be alive. After the Hale fire, it seems a miracle that he and Laura and Peter survived at all. And then there was Laura’s death and then Peter’s (even if he came back) and Stiles can’t help but think it’s only a matter of time for Derek. He can’t help but think that Derek’s been meant to die all along and every time Stiles or anyone else saves him, they’re screwing up the timeline or fate. Because Derek is literally the last Hale and the universe doesn’t seem too keen on keeping him around. In fact, Stiles suspects that the universe is actively trying to destroy him. 

And it’s a dark thought process, Stiles knows. He doesn’t try to stop it, though, because this past year’s hit him hard and the other thoughts, the ones he’s just barely keeping at bay, the non-Derek thoughts, are so much worse. 

So Stiles lays awake at night, wondering what he’ll do next time Derek’s paralyzed in 8 feet of water and thinks that he should probably be more worried that he doesn’t know.


End file.
